Weak Sauce About Nothing

Salsa débil sobre nada!

Superman is Clown Shoes Part IV

IN CONCLUSION:

You remember those two films by Quentin Tarantino? Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2?
David Carradine (as Bill) mentions Superman in comparison to Uma Thurman’s character. He states not only that he likes comics and is fascinated by the lore, he mentions that Superman is his favorite.

Now, I like David Carradine, he’s a helluva actor and if you don’t know what “Kung Fu” the series is, you should be shot.

2 things to keep in mind:
1. He’s playing a “Murdering bastard” who by nature or otherwise, feels that he is above everyone / everything
2. Because he feels that he’s above everyone / everything, he proves my point even more!

He starts off saying that when superman wakes up, he’s superman. Not Clark Kent. Talks about how the suit he wears and his glasses as Clark Kent are the disguise. The Fluorescent blue, red, and gold underoos are HIS clothes; They’re the stuff the Kents found him wrapped in.

Exactly what he says:
“Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? He’s weak, he’s unsure of himself…he’s a coward. Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race”

I don’t know about you, but the first thing I think is “who the hell does he think he is?” Superman’s statement to the world is “You’re weak” Notice that this is in the same universe that “Batman, Lobo, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Green Arrow, Hawkman, The Flash, Etc.” exist in. Not even mentioning the crossovers they’ve done with Marvel comics and Image comics. As if HE’s the only answer to helping us “weak” humans out. To a point, that attitude just about craps on the Justice League which he’s a member of.

Going back to Kill Bill; I’m not suggesting that this is the reason why the story played out and finished how it did, but kind of interresting how not long after “Bill” says his Superman bit, he winds up like this:

Mere moments away from having an exploded heart!

I was going to compare movies between Superman/Batman, but I think it’s unnecessary and frankly, no contest. Batman wins, every time. Prove me wrong. I DARE YOU! Box-Office sales alone should be enough info for you. Not to mention that Superman 3 had Richard Pryor in a starring role. If that’s not clown shoes, the badguy from Superman 4 “Nuclear Man” should be, but if that’s not either, I guess I don’t know what clown shoes is! (“It’s pronounced nucular ya idiot, the ‘T’ is silent” – Peter Griffin)

Reasons why kids have inferiority complexes later in life.

Funny review about the toys that have come out for the travesty they called a “movie.” (Superman Returns? are you kidding me? they couldn’t come up with a more original title than that?)
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/superman-returns-toys/

June 28, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Movies, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Superman is Clown Shoes Part III

Further proof that if you adore Superman, you just haven’t been paying attention. . .

Weaknesses:
Superman:
Getting beat up real, real, real, bad by doomsday, getting in close proximity with “Kryptonite.” He doesn’t have to touch it to feel the weakening effects. (radioactive remnants of his exploded home world) Oh, hey, also Kryptonite has no effect on humans. (or if you want to be a baby, in the later stories, Kryptonite did have some radiation poisoning effects on humans, big deal. so do microwave ovens)
Batman:
Severe Trauma (and that’s if you can catch him; Agility, remember?) and even then, There was a series called Batman vs. Predator, Predator beat the crap out of him and he still kept fighting. Eventually Predator took the dumb way out and detonated his nuke. Batman escapes and the other Predators give him one of their spears (naming him victor) I’ve never seen a Superman vs. Predator, THAT would be stupid. Human diseases (Cancer, AIDS, Mad Cow, etc.)
This may be the only place Superman has a bit of an edge because he’s alien. I say a bit, because I know a perfect way to put Superman away: a kryptonite coffin. Think about it:
1. create an entire coffin out of Kryptonite,
2. weaken the bastard, put him in it,
3. seal it, (and I mean, use Kryptonite rivets, and weld it all with liquefied Kryptonite)
4. bury it in the center of the moon,
5. never tell anyone it’s there.
6. flip off the full moon every chance you get. – that’s amore!
he may not die, but he’ll be too weak to escape. Every time I’ve seen a Kryptonite issue with Superman, either some regular human saves his butt, he crawls away from it, or other super heroes have to save him. With my plan, he can’t crawl away, and the only way someone could save his butt is if they know where he’s at. (oh, and I’d probably encase the coffin in 3ft. of lead or some other anti-psychic material so other super heroes couldn’t “Sense” him in the middle of the moon. ) every 1,000 years, you may have to reconstruct the coffin in case it starts de-radiating. Also Pluto would be another great place to bury him. It’s not even a planet anymore! (though harder to find to flip off)
Or as the following illustration suggests, get your hands on some Gold Kryptonite:

 
inadimate objects that will render Superman useless

Costumes:
Superman: Takes off his glasses and clothes to reveal his BRIGHT blue, red and gold underoos. How is it that the bright red doesn’t show through his WHITE shirts? He doesn’t change his voice, or hair. As Clark what happens if he takes off his glasses to wipe dust off the lenses?
Lois is talking right to him and suddenly he takes off his glasses; “Clark, where did you go? Helloooo Clark?” then he puts them back on; “oh there you are!” (Dumb bitch.) According to Superman lore, conveniently:
Various methods for keeping his Superman’s identity secret over the years include his using “super-hypnosis”,(or bullshit) subliminally causing people to not make the connection, compressing his spine as Clark Kent to become shorter, and studying the Meisner acting technique to switch seamlessly between personas. (further bullshit) Modern comic book stories show that to everyone, Superman is the greatest hero in the world and a larger-than-life figure, and no one thinks to look for him living as a normal human. (Therefore, everyone is a dumbass.) Furthermore, since Superman goes into public unmasked, most people assume that he has no other identity, or they’re all retarded and have never thought to draw glasses on his picture “just in case”
Batman: has a full DARK Grey and blue suit complete with cape and cowl to hide his face. (which only adds to the mystique, the bad guys are wondering: is he horribly disfigured? Is he someone I killed in the past? He becomes almost ruthless in his cause and changes his voice to a darker more sinister sound. He doesn’t wear it under his clothes because he chooses the moments where he becomes Batman, he doesn’t let the situations dictate who he is. Because of his playboy millionaire persona as Bruce Wayne, no one assumes he cares to be anyone but Bruce Wayne.
Identity crisis: I hate the idea that Hollywood tried with Batman returns that he has a problem with duality, Only in the movies has he ever had this problem (and a brief stint where I’m convinced they let a bunch of 2 year old superman lovers write the comic for a year or 2). As you can see with Batman Begins, he even seems to reject being Bruce Wayne in favor of Batman, but in the end uses Bruce Wayne as a means to become more effective as Batman.
Stay tuned true believers as I wrap this bitch up in Clown Shoes part IV

June 9, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Surf’s Up

So honestly there isn’t much love out there for kids movies, and as a parent I can totally understand why.  Most of the ones that I have seen in the last few years have been weak at best.  Like Enchanted, cool idea, poor execution.  Happy Feet, good as a film, lost my kid’s intrest pretty quickly because it is nuanced, and that escapes children most of the time.  Don’t get me wrong though, there are a lot of kids movies that I have enjoyed watching.  But it is a rare treat more than a norm.

Well I was super stoked when I finished watch Surf’s Up, because honestly this was a really decent movie.  It didn’t get a lot of love when it was in the theater’s because the much better “film” Happy Feet was going at the same time.  And unlike Happy Feet, Surf’s Up is way more about having a good time and a being fun, than it is about getting a serious message across.

Filmed in the documentary style, this movie hits a lot of great note in that genre of film while doing a good job of poking fun at it.  It also plays up a lot of the stereotypes associated with surfers and has come of the best one liners that I have heard since the first Shrek.

So if you have to watch a kids movie, this one gets a thumbs up from me, and if you don’t it isn’t half bad and you may just end up enjoying yourself.

Good times.

January 7, 2008 Posted by | Movies | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

National TreasureSo here is the deal.  When I was a kid I went with my dad to watch Indian Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (as did most everyone else).  And it was a really formative experiance.  For the longest time I wanted to be an archeologist.  Because I thought that meant I would treavel all over the globe finding rare artifacts and fighting bad guys.  No dice, I work a desk job now. 

But I’m not going to keep my kids from having the same kinds of dreams!  So I took them to see the new National Treasure this weekend.  And holy crap if that movie doesn’t deliver.  It is truly the Indiana Jones for the information age.  Honestly I haven’t had this much fun at the movies in a while.  My kids were rivited, and I was into it, and everything in the movie just clicked perfectly.  I can’t really recomend it enough.

Go watch it and go have fun!

January 2, 2008 Posted by | Movies | , , , , , | Leave a comment

This is England.

Skinhead

Probably one of the most misunderstood subcultures in our generation is the skinhead subculture.  In all of the current popular thought, people just imagine skinheads as thugs and racists.  Nothing could be furthur from the truth, and This is England is a great movie that really shows the true nature of This is Englandskinheads, especially in the early 80’s.

The story of young Sean, a 12 year old that is constantly being picked on for the out of style clothes he wears, and the fact that his father died in the Faulklands.  After a day of serious harrasment, Sean stumbles on a group of skins hanging out in an underpass, they take him in and they become fast friends.

But as is the case with all movies, the good times aren’t to last.  One of the gang’s members gets out of prison and begins to infuse the group with his brand of racist nationalisim, and Sean is one of the first to fall in line, “so his death won’t be for nothing.”

It is the story of a community devolving into something that it really doesn’t want to be.  Making the movie a powerful movie for the skinhead community as a whole, and for a young man “coming of age,” but more importantly about a kid finding his own way.  Coming to terms with what he beleives in, as opposed to just bowing to what other people think.

On top of that the sound track is stellar, really capturing the sound of the 80’s and the sound of real skinhead mucic with bands like Toots and the Maytols, and The Specials.  Brilliant stuff.

December 19, 2007 Posted by | Movies | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

First God Damn Podcast

All right here it is. This is the first podcast. This was the goal, and hopefully we will be pulling this off every wednesday.

We started off with asking what is up with what is going on this week, but the topic this time was really movies. We get into I Am Legend the book, and the movie (and a point of clarification there are in fact 3 other movie adaptions of I Am Legend, there is a new one from Asylum called I Am Omega, Doyle you are right). That moved into a discussion on vampire movies in general, specifically the difference in tone between I Am Legend the novel and the current trend in vampire movies, to just have vampires kicking ass, then a bit of comparison with the other two adaptions of the book. It also brought up Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, Harry Potter, our waitress Kristen (if she has a myspace I’ll post it next time), and The Mist (which leads into Doyle being an asshole for having not seen The Shawshank Redemption).

There was a long discussion about one scene in Hitman, that didn’t really convince me to see it. There is a good chance that Bobby will be buying a syringe of “knock out juice” as soon as possible. That of course led into a bit of a discussion about xXx. The consensus it that Vin Deisel blows.

We talked a bit about Sweeney Todd. It has now been dubbed The Count of Monte Scissorhands. We also plug Rotten Tomatoes. Gabe clearley states his opinion on Roger Ebert, because of his opinion on Memphis Belle.

We also talked pretty extensively about Starship Troopers the book, and the movie. Bobby really wanted there to be Power Suits in the movie, Doyle and Gabe could just enjoy it for Doogie.

We also had a discussion about some of our favorite movies (or our children as Bobby Likes to think of them). It ranged from Shawshank Redemption, Metropolis, Blade Runner, Memento, Star Wars, American History X, Predator, Rear Window, Pulp Fiction to A good time was had by all. And George Lucas, fuck you.

And we chat a bit about some new movies, Narnia: Prince Caspian, and Rambo.

We also talk about a few of our friends, Steve, Scott, David you missed the chance to defend yourselves.

Watch out there is a bit of racial sluring, and we deffinitly bring up Dog the Bounty Hunter.

MENU:

Bobby: Hot Wings, 1 Blue Moon

Doyle: Cheese Fries, 2 Budweiser

Gabe: Some Cheese Fries, One Hot Wing, 2 Guinness.

We sat at Cables. And the plan is to just do it every Wednesday. We’ll see! It was fun as hell.

December 13, 2007 Posted by | Books, Movies, Music, Podcast, Work | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Face Transplants and Sweeny Todd: Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

Face Transplant Lady

So here is what freaks me out.  The lady pictured above.  She was the first person to receive a partial face transplant.  Though it is amazing to think about the fact that she lost most of her face from her dog trying to eat her, and doctors were able to make her look mostly like herself, I am freaked out that this is something that can even happen.  Imagine you are a criminal five years into the future.  You could probably have a face transplant done, and look like a different person, even if they just took your face off and put it back on.  Freaks me the fuck out.

On a totally different note, I was on Rotten Tomatoes some more, and Sweeny Todd is looking pretty good so far.  I have been looking forward to it, but the heavy shadow of I Am Legend and Cloverfield, has kind of glossed over how much I want to see it.  There are a lot of good movies out there to see this year.  I hope I get to catch some of them.

December 12, 2007 Posted by | Movies, News | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

In an effort to keep my sanity this afternoon…

I cruised on over to Rotten Tomatoes, and did a little bit of reading on I Am Legend.  Looks like, so far so good.  The concensus seems to be that the first 2/3rds of the movie (IE the introspective, Robert Neville all alone part) is a lot better than the last 1/3rd (IE the Robert Neville flees crazy vampire action flick stuff).  I thought this review was really telling.  This didn’t turn me off to the movie at all, and since he actually knows that there are other adaptations fo the book, and knows how the movie ending differs from the book I’m down.

Did I mention I have a signed copy of I Am Legend.  Richard Matheson is the shit.

And on top of all this good press for I Am Legend, I’m still more excited about Cloverfield.

December 12, 2007 Posted by | Books, Movies | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Illusionist

So though I claim to be a pretty big fan of movies, I don’t really have the time to watch them as much as I would like, so I finally got a chance to see The Illusionist last night.  Fucking bad ass.  It is Saturday and I’m feeling lazy so I will leave it at that for now, so lets leave it at, “I really liked the movie.”

December 8, 2007 Posted by | Movies | , , , | 1 Comment

So I’m rarely excited by my movie going prospects but…

Ok so normally the prospects of going to the movies for me is really limited to the occasional horror flick with some of my friends, or kids movies (I have three kids, the last three movies I’ve seen in the theatre are Enchanted, Bee Movie, and something that I have forgotten).  But somehow I’m actually excited to see a few movies.

First off the ones that I’m lesser excited to see, I’m excited to see National Treasure 2, Golden Compass, The Kite Runner, and Walk Hard.  But those aren’t the ones that I want to talk about. 

Here are the three movies that I really want to see.

3.  Sweeny Todd:  Demon Barber of Fleet Street.  I don’t really care what anyone else thinks.  It is an adaption of one of my favorite musicals of all time, with Tim Burton as director, and Johnny Depp as Sweeny Todd.  I don’t think I should have to say anything else to back up my desire to see this movie, but if you need more.  It is about a guy that kills people, and his wife makes meat pies out of them, with singing.  I mean seriously straight razor carnage, canibalisim, and singing.  Love it.

2.  I Am Legend:  I have very low expectations of this film.  But man I fucking love this book, and the need for there to be a good film adaptation of it is amazing.  The other two are hit or miss, the hit being Last Man on Earth.  Staring Vincent Price, I think this is going to be the film that I Am Legend is going to most closly reflect.  The miss, Omega Man, this cluster fuck staring Charleton Heston is one of those movies that is only good, because it is so bad.  It is camp and lame, and I pray to God the new I Am Legend is nothing like it.

1.  Cloverfield:  Ok this total Daikaju has such a build up for me that I just can’t tell you how excited I am to see it.  If you don’t know anything about it, I would encourage you to seek it out.  That will be more fun than me just telling you all about it.

December 5, 2007 Posted by | Movies | , , , , , | 1 Comment