Weak Sauce About Nothing

Salsa débil sobre nada!

Superman is Clown Shoes Part IV

IN CONCLUSION:

You remember those two films by Quentin Tarantino? Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2?
David Carradine (as Bill) mentions Superman in comparison to Uma Thurman’s character. He states not only that he likes comics and is fascinated by the lore, he mentions that Superman is his favorite.

Now, I like David Carradine, he’s a helluva actor and if you don’t know what “Kung Fu” the series is, you should be shot.

2 things to keep in mind:
1. He’s playing a “Murdering bastard” who by nature or otherwise, feels that he is above everyone / everything
2. Because he feels that he’s above everyone / everything, he proves my point even more!

He starts off saying that when superman wakes up, he’s superman. Not Clark Kent. Talks about how the suit he wears and his glasses as Clark Kent are the disguise. The Fluorescent blue, red, and gold underoos are HIS clothes; They’re the stuff the Kents found him wrapped in.

Exactly what he says:
“Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? He’s weak, he’s unsure of himself…he’s a coward. Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race”

I don’t know about you, but the first thing I think is “who the hell does he think he is?” Superman’s statement to the world is “You’re weak” Notice that this is in the same universe that “Batman, Lobo, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Green Arrow, Hawkman, The Flash, Etc.” exist in. Not even mentioning the crossovers they’ve done with Marvel comics and Image comics. As if HE’s the only answer to helping us “weak” humans out. To a point, that attitude just about craps on the Justice League which he’s a member of.

Going back to Kill Bill; I’m not suggesting that this is the reason why the story played out and finished how it did, but kind of interresting how not long after “Bill” says his Superman bit, he winds up like this:

Mere moments away from having an exploded heart!

I was going to compare movies between Superman/Batman, but I think it’s unnecessary and frankly, no contest. Batman wins, every time. Prove me wrong. I DARE YOU! Box-Office sales alone should be enough info for you. Not to mention that Superman 3 had Richard Pryor in a starring role. If that’s not clown shoes, the badguy from Superman 4 “Nuclear Man” should be, but if that’s not either, I guess I don’t know what clown shoes is! (“It’s pronounced nucular ya idiot, the ‘T’ is silent” – Peter Griffin)

Reasons why kids have inferiority complexes later in life.

Funny review about the toys that have come out for the travesty they called a “movie.” (Superman Returns? are you kidding me? they couldn’t come up with a more original title than that?)
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/superman-returns-toys/

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June 28, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Movies, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Superman is Clown Shoes Part III

Further proof that if you adore Superman, you just haven’t been paying attention. . .

Weaknesses:
Superman:
Getting beat up real, real, real, bad by doomsday, getting in close proximity with “Kryptonite.” He doesn’t have to touch it to feel the weakening effects. (radioactive remnants of his exploded home world) Oh, hey, also Kryptonite has no effect on humans. (or if you want to be a baby, in the later stories, Kryptonite did have some radiation poisoning effects on humans, big deal. so do microwave ovens)
Batman:
Severe Trauma (and that’s if you can catch him; Agility, remember?) and even then, There was a series called Batman vs. Predator, Predator beat the crap out of him and he still kept fighting. Eventually Predator took the dumb way out and detonated his nuke. Batman escapes and the other Predators give him one of their spears (naming him victor) I’ve never seen a Superman vs. Predator, THAT would be stupid. Human diseases (Cancer, AIDS, Mad Cow, etc.)
This may be the only place Superman has a bit of an edge because he’s alien. I say a bit, because I know a perfect way to put Superman away: a kryptonite coffin. Think about it:
1. create an entire coffin out of Kryptonite,
2. weaken the bastard, put him in it,
3. seal it, (and I mean, use Kryptonite rivets, and weld it all with liquefied Kryptonite)
4. bury it in the center of the moon,
5. never tell anyone it’s there.
6. flip off the full moon every chance you get. – that’s amore!
he may not die, but he’ll be too weak to escape. Every time I’ve seen a Kryptonite issue with Superman, either some regular human saves his butt, he crawls away from it, or other super heroes have to save him. With my plan, he can’t crawl away, and the only way someone could save his butt is if they know where he’s at. (oh, and I’d probably encase the coffin in 3ft. of lead or some other anti-psychic material so other super heroes couldn’t “Sense” him in the middle of the moon. ) every 1,000 years, you may have to reconstruct the coffin in case it starts de-radiating. Also Pluto would be another great place to bury him. It’s not even a planet anymore! (though harder to find to flip off)
Or as the following illustration suggests, get your hands on some Gold Kryptonite:

 
inadimate objects that will render Superman useless

Costumes:
Superman: Takes off his glasses and clothes to reveal his BRIGHT blue, red and gold underoos. How is it that the bright red doesn’t show through his WHITE shirts? He doesn’t change his voice, or hair. As Clark what happens if he takes off his glasses to wipe dust off the lenses?
Lois is talking right to him and suddenly he takes off his glasses; “Clark, where did you go? Helloooo Clark?” then he puts them back on; “oh there you are!” (Dumb bitch.) According to Superman lore, conveniently:
Various methods for keeping his Superman’s identity secret over the years include his using “super-hypnosis”,(or bullshit) subliminally causing people to not make the connection, compressing his spine as Clark Kent to become shorter, and studying the Meisner acting technique to switch seamlessly between personas. (further bullshit) Modern comic book stories show that to everyone, Superman is the greatest hero in the world and a larger-than-life figure, and no one thinks to look for him living as a normal human. (Therefore, everyone is a dumbass.) Furthermore, since Superman goes into public unmasked, most people assume that he has no other identity, or they’re all retarded and have never thought to draw glasses on his picture “just in case”
Batman: has a full DARK Grey and blue suit complete with cape and cowl to hide his face. (which only adds to the mystique, the bad guys are wondering: is he horribly disfigured? Is he someone I killed in the past? He becomes almost ruthless in his cause and changes his voice to a darker more sinister sound. He doesn’t wear it under his clothes because he chooses the moments where he becomes Batman, he doesn’t let the situations dictate who he is. Because of his playboy millionaire persona as Bruce Wayne, no one assumes he cares to be anyone but Bruce Wayne.
Identity crisis: I hate the idea that Hollywood tried with Batman returns that he has a problem with duality, Only in the movies has he ever had this problem (and a brief stint where I’m convinced they let a bunch of 2 year old superman lovers write the comic for a year or 2). As you can see with Batman Begins, he even seems to reject being Bruce Wayne in favor of Batman, but in the end uses Bruce Wayne as a means to become more effective as Batman.
Stay tuned true believers as I wrap this bitch up in Clown Shoes part IV

June 9, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Tiger Woods, ambassador of sports (except for hockey)

“I don’t think anyone really watches hockey anymore.” – Tiger Woods

Allow us, for a moment, to point out the subtle difference between hockey legend Wayne Gretzky and golf superstar Tiger Woods, pictured here with an even bigger icon, Diamond David Lee Roth. Gretzky was asked in a press conference back in March about Woods, and said that he never thought he’d see an athlete dominate like Michael Jordan did — until Tiger hit his stride.

“He’s the greatest athlete I’ve ever seen,” he said. And when pressed by a cynical reporter that golfers may not exactly fit the mold of an athlete like, say, even the most physically maligned hockey player does, Gretzky rushed to the defense of an entire sport whose participants range from senior citizens on a Saturday morning in South Florida to children trying to get a ball into a clown’s mouth. “You ever tried to golf? You better be a good athlete if you try to golf.”

How does Tiger choose to repay that respect, during the NHL’s moment in the spotlight?

“I don’t think anyone really watches hockey anymore.”

The full quote came from a news conference at Oakland Hills Country Club in Michigan yesterday, where Tiger appeared via satellite. He was asked his thoughts about Game 5 of the Stanley Cup finals. He chuckled, and then answered:

 

“I don’t really care,” he said with an impish smile. “It’s all about the Dodgers. I don’t think anyone really watches hockey anymore.”

 

What’s rather amusing is that this wasn’t a hard-hitting question from a Detroit sports reporter; it was a softball lobbed by Julius Mason, the PGA of America’s senior director of communications. When it appeared Tiger would be less than gracious to the sport currently capturing the imagination of a place called Hockeytown, Mason tried to end the answer by saying Woods was “politically correct as always and that’s what we …” before Tiger added his candid assessment of hockey’s popularity.

Not even PR flackery could curb Tiger’s hunger to diss the game.

The NHL addressed his comments in a general way. Our first inclination was to label this as some clever NIKE brainwashing: Convincing one of its biggest brand names to ignore how awesome hockey really is in order to go after the NHL and Reebok. But wouldn’t the EA Sports brainwashing counteract that?

Perhaps Tiger is still bitter about the demise of the All-Star Café with Gretzky.

The bottom line is that Tiger Woods downgraded a sport that’s been good to him, from charity appearances at golf tournaments to fans asking about when “hockey’s Tiger Woods” will arrive. As they say among champions: Act like you’ve been there, Tiger. You’re already the guy who gets bigger headlines for not playing in a tournament than the NHL gets for playing an all-star game. No need to rub it in.

As for you, Gretzky: Time to get Tiger in the arena for a playoff game, so the puckhead conversion can begin and we can put this all behind us.

June 4, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, News, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Superman is Clown Shoes Part II

Welcome to the 2nd entry of compelling evidence proving that Superman is WEAK!

Personal life:
Superman has no personal life, he was born Kal-el, not Clark Kent. But for the sake of argument, we’ll say Clark Kent: Spends his time reporting for the Globe, (which BY THE WAY, anyone who works in the newspaper business will tell you is a 24/7 job, so how can he be doing this effectively between changing identities?) The only benefit he provides to Metropolis as Clark Kent is reporting.
Chasing after and pining for Lois Lane who doesn’t give a crap about him and barely notices he’s there.

As Superman Louis Lane is just about stalking him. Maybe all the single women of Metropolis though he has never said anything about a significant other as superman, as Clark Kent, nobody cares what he has to say about a significant other.



louis & superman, superman & lois, OH! clark & lois, lois & superman, *YAWN* lois & superman, OH! clark & lois

As Bruce Wayne: Millionaire and aire to Wayne Enterprises; Spends his time managing his company, developing new advances in the sciences both for his benefit as Batman and for the world. Organizes and attends charity functions. Uses thrill seeking as an excuse to keep his agility up and to learn new forms of crime fighting. Always seems to have a, or several dates (with women) in public and is considered Gotham’s premiere playboy.

As Batman, even with the fact that they are on opposite sides of the law, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Harley-Quinn, Talia Al Ghul (Ra’s Al Ghul’s Daughter) all want him (and not just to kill him)


Batman & Catwoman, Rachel Daws & Bruce, Batman & Talia, Bruce & 2 foreign models, Bruce & Selina Kyle, Batman & Poison Ivy, Bruce & Vicki

Side kicks: 

Superman:
Has no sidekicks, when he “died” a group of super-people tried to emulate him, but when he came back to life, he never accepted them in Metropolis. Now they’re fighting crime as themselves in their respective home-cities.
Super-woman (or Supergirl) but she only showed up in cross-overs or side stories.
Krypto the wonder dog: even worse clown-shoes than Superman (if that’s possible)
Batman:
(Depending on which universe you pull your bat-lore from)
4 different Robin’s (one died, one became NightWing, 2 were/is head of the Teen Titans)
2 different Bat-Women
Though he was never vocal about it, and at first never accepts their help, eventually Batman treats each one of his sidekicks as equals in the crusade against crime. (which is why he never tells the commissioner about his daughter, or why he doesn’t send Robin home)
Justice League argument:
Batman and Superman are members of The Justice League, (or Justice League America, or originally the Super Friends) Think about that for a second; A group of “SUPER” people.
Batman, a HUMAN, with NO super powers is a member of a League of SUPER heroes. Not only is he a member, he’s one of the ELEITE members. Not a throw-in like “the flash” or “Aquaman” When they decided to start the group, who were the two first characters they thought of? Superman and Batman.

Stay tuned for Part 3 (probably going to be a 4 parter, it’s seriously a 4 page essay!)

May 20, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Movies, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Valkyrie – Fall 2008

Man, I cannot believe how much the critics are panning this film and it hasn’t even come close to coming out!
For the un-savvy, the movie is about Operation Valkyrie; The plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler and have a shadow government rule in his stead. Of course it failed since Adolf personally killed Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, possibly the head of the whole conspiracy.


Cruise as Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg

It’s a story that should be done, and one that is really interesting. Will the execution be there? who knows. Tom Cruise is the one producing it under his newly resurrected United Artists production company. The last movie he came out with “Lions for Lambs” flopped big time, but many argue that it could have been a case of right movie, wrong time.

As with “Lions for Lambs,” “Valkyrie” has an impressive cast both in front of and behind the camera. Check out these names: (With movie credits that I’ve personally seen)
Bryan Singer – Director (X-men, X2, The Usual Suspects, Apt Pupil)
Christopher McQuarrie – Co-Writer (The Usual Suspects, The Way of the Gun)

Actors:
Tom Cruise– Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg (MI: 1-3, Minority Report, Vanilla Sky)
Kenneth Branagh– Henning von Tresckow (Henry V, Much Ado About Nothing, Shackleton)
Tom Wilkinson – Friedrick Fromm (Batman Begins, The Exorcism of Emily Rose)
Bill Nighy– Friedrich Olbricht (Underworld, Pirates of the Caribbean 2-3, Shaun of the Dead)

His foolery and Scientology freakiness aside, in my humble opinion, Tom Cruise can act. Watch “Eyes Wide Shut,” “Vanilla Sky,” or “Minority Report” without prejudice and tell me he can’t? All 3 really great movies that I can’t imagine someone else playing his role.

Will the movie flop? Who knows. I know alot of movie goers are sick of hearing about him and so get turned off when the prospect of one of his movies comes around.  I just watched the trailer for Valkyrie. I’m not going to be the first in line to watch it opening weekend, but I do want to see it in the theatre when it comes out. (I’ll be saving my “Opening night” money on “The Dark Knight” by the way, but that’s another story!)

March 31, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Movies, Philosphy/Religion, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

“PR experience” does not mean “Foreign policy experience!”

Just because you travel to a foreign country and schmooze with the big wigs in said country, their children, take photos of the schmoozing, and write a book about it, does NOT mean that you have foreign policy experience. It means you have ass-kissing experience. Talking with a foreign minister’s wife about where you got your dress, or where she shops with her kids is not outlining how the US Government will be interacting with said country.


What’s worse is that this photo is undoctored

It wouldn’t bother me so much except that Hillary is using that to say “look what I have that Obama and McCain don’t.” Then, to top it off, she lies about how it happened? How did she think her little embellishment of the truth wouldn’t get out?

By saying what she did: “I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base.” She would have us believe that the US Military put the first lady, and US citizens at risk of being killed just for a PR opportunity? Wouldn’t it make more sense to, oh, I don’t know, LAND SOMEWHERE ELSE? or if there was “sniper fire,” turn around and head back to the base you came from? It’s the first lady, not an Army unit, or a food chopper. They can cancel a PR trip. “No, no” says Hillary “We HAD to land and take photos. Many, many photos even at the risk of bullets zipping past.”


“Seriously Barak, the bullets were like PEEOOOOM!”

Do you realize that if she is citing that event as an example of her “foreign policy” experience, then Sinbad can also claim that he has foreign policy experience? (He was riding in the same chopper.) She’s saying that Sinbad risked getting killed to negotiate financial, social, and/or military interaction between Bosnia and the US?

Now she’s trying to backpedal from her little faux pa by saying: (this is EXACTLY what she said by the way) “I went to 80 countries, you know. I gave contemporaneous accounts, I wrote about a lot of this in my book. You know, I think that, a minor blip, you know, if I said something that, you know, I say a lot of things – millions of words a day – so if I misspoke, that was just a misstatement.”

You know? You know?. . . Well, I know she has a lot of staff members looking over her speeches. You’re telling me she just blurted that out? You’re telling me that all her statements aren’t carefully choreographed for the media?

List of women who make better leaders than “Billary”

March 25, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, News, Politics, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

FUCK!

Will I sleep tonight? Can I sleep tonight? Morning is coming… If I set my alarm for 9am and fall asleep within the next 15 mins I can get at least 5 hours of sleep before I have to go to work tomorrow.  Ok lay down on pillow hold other pillow off to my side. Morning is coming… God why cant I fall asleep?  God please can you let me get alittle rest tonight? Just for a few hours I cant keep doing this. Morning is coming… Well if I set my alarm to 9:30 and fall asleep in the next 30 mins or so I can get at least 3 hours of sleep. I wont have time for a shower but I really need at least that many hours or I swear I will straight out murder the next truck stop ugly that walks into the store tomorrow. Morning is coming… Please God just let me get Just a few hours of sleep. Morning is coming… DAMNIT they need to make a pillow that I don’t have to flip over and over to keep to the side of my face from getting hot. Its like I spent 7 dollars on a nightly reminder that I can never keep the things that make me happiest. Morning is coming… It is hot I am hot it is fuckin 7am and why the fuck can I not fall asleep? Hey look, the sun… I have turned my pillow over 37 and one half times I have gotten up to drink a glass of water 7 times and due to that I have gotten up another 4 times to take a piss. I look in the mirror every time I go to the bathroom and it is like I can actually see myself falling apart. 3 hours until I have to be at work… I think I might have fallen asleep for a moment at around 5 am or so I cant be sure but one second I was lying there on the fresh cold side of the pillow and the next  moment my pillow was hot and my arm was asleep. 7:53am… UGH… 8:37am SHIT, I better get up If I somehow did manage to fall asleep right now I am absolutely positive that my alarm could not wake me. 1 hour until work… Where the hell is my other sock, this is freakin bullshit every last one of my socks is dirty minus one? Where the fuck is your other half sock? Don’t make me yell at you and scare the dog! I have to say the dog does look abit concerned about my actions at this very moment… Alright I gave up I am now wearing one clean sock one dirty sock jeans no t-shirt just a hooded sweater. I have decided that today will be a no t-shirt day. A decision I soon regret its kinda warm today. Mother Nature must be on the rag im thinking… Did I brush my teeth, no fuck that, I smile and greet new customers with horrid breath and a very unkempt appearance and just zone the fuck out. Excuse me sir can I try this on. I point at the dressing room and don’t even look up. I might not murder anyone today but the customers I assure you are on edge. They come into the store and they can tell it isn’t a good day to purchase their size 40DDD bras. That’s a lot of fabric and quite frankly I aint folding no boulder holders today… Please God can I just sleep.

March 21, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, dude don't taze me, It's So Huge Jokes, News, Philosophy, Philosphy/Religion, Politics, Religion, Weak Sauce About Nothing, Work | 2 Comments

Gray Haired Beauties

OK, I think I’m having an Oprah moment here.
Time magazine featured an article last month or so about gray haired women and how there is a large majority of women who are secure and happy with their gray hair. I guess even the fashion world is taking notice and have given us sound-bytes saying “Gray is chic”


Would she seem as gorgeous without her gray?

There are a few women around the office who take care of themselves, some have their curves, some don’t; who have gray hair. I didn’t think much of it at first but after a while I noticed that it does give them a certain character and maybe it’s the whole “older woman” thing but to be honest, I don’t think they would be as sexy without their gray hair. I’m not trying to degrade them or belittle them by calling them “sexy.” I use the term with extreme reverence to their age, (young or old, yes some are prematurely gray, how hot is that?!) gender and for some of them, their life experience. Indeed, a few of them are in various levels of management and when they’re spoken of, it’s in the highest respect/regard, they just also happen to be VERY handsome women.


Young Woman with Gray Hair
(Check out the link; interesting story about this pic)

Now, I realize that there are ladies and some guys out there who freak out when they see gray. Let me tell you from an admirer’s perspective; it’s not a big deal. In fact, to me, it’s a little disappointing when one day you see someone with some gray, and the next day it’s a completely different color. For example: one of the ladies in the office I was talking about has this really naturally curly hair. She parts it on the side and has it a little longer than shoulder length. She wears these small frame glasses that fit the shape of her face well, and maybe this is a guy thing with the glasses, but they make her look really cute. Where she parts it, she has this gray shock that only makes the front part of her hair gray. (and only halfway down the total length) The rest of her hair is a light brown to blond. It looks really cool the way her gray seems to frame the top part of her face. She had it this way for as long as I can remember. Then, one day it was ALL light brown. It completely changed the dynamic of her appearance! The color looked natural and matched the rest of her hair, but she really didn’t look the same! I happened to be working on her computer at the time (I’m in I.T. at the office) and overheard her telling a co-worker that a “Friend” of hers told her that she should do something about it so she decided to dye it. Thankfully she didn’t like the way it looked and she reverted back to what I described above. Her female co-workers agreed that she looked cuter with her gray. I would show you some pictures of these lovely ladies, but I can’t think of a way to get said pictures without seeming like a perv or having HR called over to my cubicle. I suppose I could claim I’m writing a book on the subject, but I’m not. I’m just blogging about it!


Someone already tackled this subject anyway.

This becomes almost like the breast implant argument: (Disclaimer: I’m not trying to woo anyone out there, I’m just being honest. Besides, I have a girlfriend!) for me, I’d rather see women how they are naturally, how God intended them. I get turned off knowing that even a part of the girl is fake. If a guy needs you to have bigger breasts, maybe you don’t need the guy. Looks are fleeting. That’s why most old men go after young women; because the men are shallow, self centered, and can’t appreciate a good personality. At the risk of sounding like a “Curves” commercial; If you want implants, get them for YOURSELF, not some guy. Dye your hair for YOU, not for how people see you.

On the fence about going gray? check out this gallery of Gray sirens.

Other interesting articles on Gray: (check out some of the comments, we all can’t be wrong!)
http://www.oprah.com/beauty/hair/hair_omag_200710_gray.jhtml

http://www.womenshealthcaretopics.com/bn_hair_Gray_Hair.htm

http://blog.wardrobe911.com/2007/07/gray-hair-beaut.html

http://www.flickr.com/photos/53674854@N00/144943704/

March 18, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, News, Philosophy, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Stephen Horner is a bastard

Either that or he’s flaming gay.*
This guy got his panties in a wad because he was denied a voucher for a free Colorado Rockies ladies night game. Now the hippies at the Colorado Civil Rights Division say there’s probable cause for gender discrimination. Next, there’s going to be state-ordered mediation between the Rockies and this douche bag.


The Colorado Civil Rights Division

Can’t someone explain to him what “Ladies Night” means instead? Do we really have to waste time on this loser who has no idea what having his civil rights violated means?

*He’s supposedly an Anti-feminist, but is likely a flaming gay. Now, I’m not judging him for being gay, I don’t hate gay people, it’s just a lifestyle that is against my PERSONAL beliefs. I don’t try to shove them down people’s throats (that often.) Live and let live, I say. Except when he starts scaring the women away with his self-righteous-pompus-ass-hole-who-has-nothing-better-to-do attitude.  There’s an article on The Tribune about it and the guy who commented on it put it best: “Does he not know they do ladies nights so more women go, which attracts men? It’s sort of like cutting off your nose to spite your face.”

He won a similar ruling against night clubs in Denver because they had a ladies night. The guy needs to find a girlfriend or get his ass kicked by feminists.

He’s probably the reason they got rid of the ladies programs for the Rockies, the Nuggets, The Avalanche and the Broncos. Programs that were set up to show women how the various sports work, so they can enjoy it like most men do. Does he not want women watching sports? Wouldn’t it be nice if both sexes could enjoy something on a common level? Not to Stephen Horner, he was turned down one too many times by women and crying himself to sleep one night decided to make them all pay. The problem is, he’s pissing off the men too.

I think we should turn him into a black person or a hispanic person and time warp him back to early 1950’s America in the south so he can see first-hand what it means to have his civil rights violated. Not getting a Ladies night voucher because he’s a GUY is not a violation.


Stephen Horner

March 4, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, News, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Flash Artist Feature: Joel Veitch

For the unsavvy, this is the British guy who runs www.rathergood.com and is a member of the B3ta group. He is the mind behind the sponge monkey ads that Quiznos used to run. “We love the suuuuubs. . .”


Kind of a creepy commercial

Joel’s imagry tends to be pretty rough and it gives it that “cut out of a magazine and pasted onto construction paper” feel. Early on in his work the mouths of his subjects wouldn’t move in sync with the words they were supposed to be saying, he would opt to just have the mouths opening and closing rapidly or slowly depending on the speed of the audio. Rather than looking incomplete or lazy, it actually gives his work another level of creepiness. Love or hate the subjects, or his Flash work, he’s right up there when it comes to obscurity, imagination, and musical talent. My favorite peice is “seepage” baby seals, can you feel it?

March 3, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Music, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Turkey Launches Ground Operation in Iraq

I saw this headline on The Tribune’s website and the first image that came to my mind was something like this:


You don’t want none of this!

I realized however that the headline didn’t say “A” Turkey Launches Ground Operation in Iraq. My mistake. . .

Almost like a canary in a coal mine; a turkey in a tank? No?

February 22, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, News, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Ass Effects

I was watching TV the other day. . . .scratch that, I had the TV on the news so I could hear it while I was doing something else. I hear this commercial come on about medication, you know the kind, “ask your doctor if blah, blah, is right for you” I swear when the guy first started talking about it, it sounded like he said, “my doctor told me that ass effects could help my condition” I looked up from what I was doing and looked in the direction of the TV with a puzzled look on my face.

Ass effects? what the hell? to top it off the guy talking about it is a tub; his girth alone when he said “Ass Effects” made me crack up. Also it’s Heartburn/acid reflux medicine so I started thinking it was a parody or something. Nope. it’s a real medicine.

Tub o lard

By the end of the commercial I finally realized (because it’s up on the screen in big letters at the end) that the guy is saying “AcipHex” which is the commercial name of the medication rabeprazole sodium. I realize they tried to combine the word “Acid” into the commercial name, but seriously I’m positive the tub actor, his actor kids and the people filming the commercial were not able to do it in one take. One or all of them would have laughed or said “ass effects. . .er. . .I Mean aciphex! hahahahaha”I was hoping beyond all reason that this wasn’t made by one of the elite drug companies: Bristol-Meyer Squibb, Pfizer, etc. Companies who take a lot of time coming up with the commercial name of their meds, or use the scientific name instead. Luckily, it’s made by the Japanese company Eiasi which makes me crack up even more. (if you don’t know why, visit engrish) I imagine their naming department trying to make it more appealing to westerners so they have lists of English words they’re trying to combine. (I have no idea what “Phex” would be) I can’t believe I saw a little circled “R” right after Aciphex suggesting that the name is restricted. I don’t think anyone is going to steal that gem Eiasi.

Ass effects is not medicine, it’s a fat guy wearing shorts that are too short and too much leg is being shown.
Ass effects is the sound your ass makes when eating too much Mexican: “dude, stop the ass effects, I’m trying to work”
Ass effects is the visual explosion that happens when you light your flatulence.

February 12, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Harmony of the dancing chicken and dragon

“You don’t hear guys going to a club saying to one another; ‘Screw chicks tonight bro, I gotta dance!’ “
     -Dane Cook

Do we really need another dance movie? I understand there are real underground dance competitions and I’m sure they’re very good at what they do. But seriously, a dance movie coming out on Valentine’s day? You know the only guys going are likely gays. Even gay dancers probably have more respect than that.


Here’s a nice piece of shit. . .

How about that tag line: “It’s not where you’re from, it’s where you’re at?”What the fuck does that even mean? It was just as shitty when it was called “Breakin” oh wait, when it was called “Footloose” or “Dirty Dancing” or “Save The Last Dance” “Save The Last Dance 2” or “Step Up” I heard a comment from someone while I was subjected to this shit a second time before Cloverfield started. This jackass said something lame like; “It’s this generation looking for that good dance movie of their era. For ours, it was Footloose.”  WHAT? I remember footloose being pretty shitty for it’s time too pal. If I lived in a comic book, I would have unbolted my theatre chair and bashed the guys head in when I heard that.

I guarantee you; the acting: shit, the direction: shit, the music: shit, chance of gaining any awards: shit. “yo bro, don’t knock it, there’s a chick dancing in rain and she looks HOT!”OK ‘bro’ if I wanted to see tits, or nudity, or even half-nudity, I don’t need a shitty movie, I would check the 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 sites dedicated to it on the internet. (FOR FREE by the way) go to google and type in “tits” that’s it. hit enter.  I just saved you the price of admission. You’re welcome.

The only dancing I want to see is on my Chinese take out box between the chicken and the dragon. The dancing mystically keeps my chicken fried rice from tasting like shit.


Now that’s what I call dancing!

January 28, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Movies, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Alien Implants: kind of dumb but kind of interresting

The idea of alien implants is kind of dumb to me. It was pretty cool when Scully had one on the X-files and when they removed it she suddenly started getting cancer, when the re-implanted it, suddenly the cancer was gone, but nothing that cool ever happens in real life.

I read a book about them debunking them as things normally found in the human body.
Proponents insist that it happens and that they’re placed in inconspicuous places to either track the human, or insert lame reason here. . .
most are found in the feet, hands, ears, and mouth. HMMMM
Feet: you stepped on something you idiot
Hands: You got a splinter of something you idiot
Ears: (see Hands)
Mouth: you ate something you idiot

I searched the web for pictures of alien implants and all I got was low rez images of pieces of wire with blood on them or microscopic pictures of metal splinters on poorly constructed websites.  Have you ever changed a broken brake on a car before? have you seen a metal splinter? yea. . .that’s what it looks like.  I was half hoping to find triangular pieces of some unknown metal and strange markings, or pieces of magnetic material that emitted a radio or other-worldly frequency. . .no luck.


is it just me, or could this be a piece of a guitar string. it even looks like it was cut with a set of pliers.

These people insist that the material sometimes found is organic. The fibers on most automotive parts is organic. (again, brake pads are mostly organic) they claim to find pieces in their ears. there aren’t many nerve endings in your ears so if you happened to roll over a splinter while in bed, or oh, I don’t know putting a shirt on, and something that small got into your ear, you might not even feel it. as for the mouth, do you know how many particles of metal, plastic, fiber, rat feces, can find their way into your food? a piece of that gets stuck in your teeth and makes your mouth bleed. You remove it and notice it’s a tiny piece of metal. Alien implant? doubt it. Just stop buying burritos from that street cart that stops by your work everyday. (it might be a tiny piece of tin-foil for all you know) Conveniently they also say that sometimes after removing the implants, they “melt” or disintegrate. I know it’s gross, but is it possible that it’s a hardened calcium deposit that will dissipate when introduced into liquid? (their supposed method of “Preserving it by putting it in conditions similar to the human body”) or maybe it’s a buildup of the shit you eat in between your teeth? Check out this article where they got SOME strange readings, but it wound up being something easily explained.

I want to believe in extraterrestrial life, I really do, but because of the true nut jobs and fakers out there, it’s harder than ever to sift through what is science and what is hokey.

January 24, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, technology, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Official Podcasting location of F.F.

I thought I’d take the time to give props to the official Podcast location of Fuck Fiction: Cables Pub & Grill.
The tag line for the place should actually be “Where Friends Meat!” Because there isn’t a meat dish I’ve had there that I didn’t like. Their portions are HUGE and the nachos are particularly good. They get a decent rating on Trip Advisor. There are a couple of recent bad reviews, but I think it really depends when you go. (around 8pm-11pm is our window) We’re kind of partial to the server we’ve had the last month because she is extremely cool but I think they all try to be nice and respect the casters.


PodCasting every Wed. from 8pm to around 10.

January 21, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Virtual Dogfighting

I think that there are very few people who would openly condone dogfighting.  The sport takes place behind closed doors, owners consenting to the brutality and the reverence that is taken for the fallen soldier.  We act like there is a minor subset of the population that is as viscous as these animals.  Yet we are drwn to the carnage, like flies to shit.  As long as we didn’t participate in it then it is ok to view it.  We play video games where we simulate murder and terrorism.  Why not dog fighting.  I want to feed my virtual dog, reminiscent of a tomagotchi; ball bearings, and gunpowder.  Have him wear a 50 lb. chain around its neck and then pit it against a friends dog on x box live.  People need to realize that it is their fascination with such connoted subcultural phenomenon, that keeps people fighting animals and putting it on you tube.  You would have thought that the worst thing that happened to Michael Vick aka Ron Mexico was a case of herepes.  Hopefully the prison he is sent to has a very low percentage of herpes patients, because if its high…you know the motto, you cant get herpes twice. FUCK THAT

January 11, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, News | , , | 1 Comment