Weak Sauce About Nothing

Salsa débil sobre nada!

Superman is Clown Shoes Part III

Further proof that if you adore Superman, you just haven’t been paying attention. . .

Weaknesses:
Superman:
Getting beat up real, real, real, bad by doomsday, getting in close proximity with “Kryptonite.” He doesn’t have to touch it to feel the weakening effects. (radioactive remnants of his exploded home world) Oh, hey, also Kryptonite has no effect on humans. (or if you want to be a baby, in the later stories, Kryptonite did have some radiation poisoning effects on humans, big deal. so do microwave ovens)
Batman:
Severe Trauma (and that’s if you can catch him; Agility, remember?) and even then, There was a series called Batman vs. Predator, Predator beat the crap out of him and he still kept fighting. Eventually Predator took the dumb way out and detonated his nuke. Batman escapes and the other Predators give him one of their spears (naming him victor) I’ve never seen a Superman vs. Predator, THAT would be stupid. Human diseases (Cancer, AIDS, Mad Cow, etc.)
This may be the only place Superman has a bit of an edge because he’s alien. I say a bit, because I know a perfect way to put Superman away: a kryptonite coffin. Think about it:
1. create an entire coffin out of Kryptonite,
2. weaken the bastard, put him in it,
3. seal it, (and I mean, use Kryptonite rivets, and weld it all with liquefied Kryptonite)
4. bury it in the center of the moon,
5. never tell anyone it’s there.
6. flip off the full moon every chance you get. – that’s amore!
he may not die, but he’ll be too weak to escape. Every time I’ve seen a Kryptonite issue with Superman, either some regular human saves his butt, he crawls away from it, or other super heroes have to save him. With my plan, he can’t crawl away, and the only way someone could save his butt is if they know where he’s at. (oh, and I’d probably encase the coffin in 3ft. of lead or some other anti-psychic material so other super heroes couldn’t “Sense” him in the middle of the moon. ) every 1,000 years, you may have to reconstruct the coffin in case it starts de-radiating. Also Pluto would be another great place to bury him. It’s not even a planet anymore! (though harder to find to flip off)
Or as the following illustration suggests, get your hands on some Gold Kryptonite:

 
inadimate objects that will render Superman useless

Costumes:
Superman: Takes off his glasses and clothes to reveal his BRIGHT blue, red and gold underoos. How is it that the bright red doesn’t show through his WHITE shirts? He doesn’t change his voice, or hair. As Clark what happens if he takes off his glasses to wipe dust off the lenses?
Lois is talking right to him and suddenly he takes off his glasses; “Clark, where did you go? Helloooo Clark?” then he puts them back on; “oh there you are!” (Dumb bitch.) According to Superman lore, conveniently:
Various methods for keeping his Superman’s identity secret over the years include his using “super-hypnosis”,(or bullshit) subliminally causing people to not make the connection, compressing his spine as Clark Kent to become shorter, and studying the Meisner acting technique to switch seamlessly between personas. (further bullshit) Modern comic book stories show that to everyone, Superman is the greatest hero in the world and a larger-than-life figure, and no one thinks to look for him living as a normal human. (Therefore, everyone is a dumbass.) Furthermore, since Superman goes into public unmasked, most people assume that he has no other identity, or they’re all retarded and have never thought to draw glasses on his picture “just in case”
Batman: has a full DARK Grey and blue suit complete with cape and cowl to hide his face. (which only adds to the mystique, the bad guys are wondering: is he horribly disfigured? Is he someone I killed in the past? He becomes almost ruthless in his cause and changes his voice to a darker more sinister sound. He doesn’t wear it under his clothes because he chooses the moments where he becomes Batman, he doesn’t let the situations dictate who he is. Because of his playboy millionaire persona as Bruce Wayne, no one assumes he cares to be anyone but Bruce Wayne.
Identity crisis: I hate the idea that Hollywood tried with Batman returns that he has a problem with duality, Only in the movies has he ever had this problem (and a brief stint where I’m convinced they let a bunch of 2 year old superman lovers write the comic for a year or 2). As you can see with Batman Begins, he even seems to reject being Bruce Wayne in favor of Batman, but in the end uses Bruce Wayne as a means to become more effective as Batman.
Stay tuned true believers as I wrap this bitch up in Clown Shoes part IV
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June 9, 2008 - Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. Hello My Name Is R.A. Grimes and I am a novice animator. I did a 2 minute short called Dark Knight: The Last Laugh. I used the vocal talents of AL Pacino as the Dark Knight and Robert DeNiro as the Joker, it comes from the infamous scene in Heat.It took countless days to finish, but it is my proudest pieces, I hope you enjoy it enough to share it on your blog.
    Here is the link http://youtube.com/watch?v=tJNbmEVhsRM

    Thank You For Your Time
    R.A. Grimes

    Comment by R.A. Grimes | June 9, 2008 | Reply


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