Weak Sauce About Nothing

Salsa débil sobre nada!

Superman is Clown Shoes Part IV

IN CONCLUSION:

You remember those two films by Quentin Tarantino? Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2?
David Carradine (as Bill) mentions Superman in comparison to Uma Thurman’s character. He states not only that he likes comics and is fascinated by the lore, he mentions that Superman is his favorite.

Now, I like David Carradine, he’s a helluva actor and if you don’t know what “Kung Fu” the series is, you should be shot.

2 things to keep in mind:
1. He’s playing a “Murdering bastard” who by nature or otherwise, feels that he is above everyone / everything
2. Because he feels that he’s above everyone / everything, he proves my point even more!

He starts off saying that when superman wakes up, he’s superman. Not Clark Kent. Talks about how the suit he wears and his glasses as Clark Kent are the disguise. The Fluorescent blue, red, and gold underoos are HIS clothes; They’re the stuff the Kents found him wrapped in.

Exactly what he says:
“Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? He’s weak, he’s unsure of himself…he’s a coward. Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race”

I don’t know about you, but the first thing I think is “who the hell does he think he is?” Superman’s statement to the world is “You’re weak” Notice that this is in the same universe that “Batman, Lobo, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Green Arrow, Hawkman, The Flash, Etc.” exist in. Not even mentioning the crossovers they’ve done with Marvel comics and Image comics. As if HE’s the only answer to helping us “weak” humans out. To a point, that attitude just about craps on the Justice League which he’s a member of.

Going back to Kill Bill; I’m not suggesting that this is the reason why the story played out and finished how it did, but kind of interresting how not long after “Bill” says his Superman bit, he winds up like this:

Mere moments away from having an exploded heart!

I was going to compare movies between Superman/Batman, but I think it’s unnecessary and frankly, no contest. Batman wins, every time. Prove me wrong. I DARE YOU! Box-Office sales alone should be enough info for you. Not to mention that Superman 3 had Richard Pryor in a starring role. If that’s not clown shoes, the badguy from Superman 4 “Nuclear Man” should be, but if that’s not either, I guess I don’t know what clown shoes is! (“It’s pronounced nucular ya idiot, the ‘T’ is silent” – Peter Griffin)

Reasons why kids have inferiority complexes later in life.

Funny review about the toys that have come out for the travesty they called a “movie.” (Superman Returns? are you kidding me? they couldn’t come up with a more original title than that?)
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/superman-returns-toys/

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June 28, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Movies, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Superman is Clown Shoes Part III

Further proof that if you adore Superman, you just haven’t been paying attention. . .

Weaknesses:
Superman:
Getting beat up real, real, real, bad by doomsday, getting in close proximity with “Kryptonite.” He doesn’t have to touch it to feel the weakening effects. (radioactive remnants of his exploded home world) Oh, hey, also Kryptonite has no effect on humans. (or if you want to be a baby, in the later stories, Kryptonite did have some radiation poisoning effects on humans, big deal. so do microwave ovens)
Batman:
Severe Trauma (and that’s if you can catch him; Agility, remember?) and even then, There was a series called Batman vs. Predator, Predator beat the crap out of him and he still kept fighting. Eventually Predator took the dumb way out and detonated his nuke. Batman escapes and the other Predators give him one of their spears (naming him victor) I’ve never seen a Superman vs. Predator, THAT would be stupid. Human diseases (Cancer, AIDS, Mad Cow, etc.)
This may be the only place Superman has a bit of an edge because he’s alien. I say a bit, because I know a perfect way to put Superman away: a kryptonite coffin. Think about it:
1. create an entire coffin out of Kryptonite,
2. weaken the bastard, put him in it,
3. seal it, (and I mean, use Kryptonite rivets, and weld it all with liquefied Kryptonite)
4. bury it in the center of the moon,
5. never tell anyone it’s there.
6. flip off the full moon every chance you get. – that’s amore!
he may not die, but he’ll be too weak to escape. Every time I’ve seen a Kryptonite issue with Superman, either some regular human saves his butt, he crawls away from it, or other super heroes have to save him. With my plan, he can’t crawl away, and the only way someone could save his butt is if they know where he’s at. (oh, and I’d probably encase the coffin in 3ft. of lead or some other anti-psychic material so other super heroes couldn’t “Sense” him in the middle of the moon. ) every 1,000 years, you may have to reconstruct the coffin in case it starts de-radiating. Also Pluto would be another great place to bury him. It’s not even a planet anymore! (though harder to find to flip off)
Or as the following illustration suggests, get your hands on some Gold Kryptonite:

 
inadimate objects that will render Superman useless

Costumes:
Superman: Takes off his glasses and clothes to reveal his BRIGHT blue, red and gold underoos. How is it that the bright red doesn’t show through his WHITE shirts? He doesn’t change his voice, or hair. As Clark what happens if he takes off his glasses to wipe dust off the lenses?
Lois is talking right to him and suddenly he takes off his glasses; “Clark, where did you go? Helloooo Clark?” then he puts them back on; “oh there you are!” (Dumb bitch.) According to Superman lore, conveniently:
Various methods for keeping his Superman’s identity secret over the years include his using “super-hypnosis”,(or bullshit) subliminally causing people to not make the connection, compressing his spine as Clark Kent to become shorter, and studying the Meisner acting technique to switch seamlessly between personas. (further bullshit) Modern comic book stories show that to everyone, Superman is the greatest hero in the world and a larger-than-life figure, and no one thinks to look for him living as a normal human. (Therefore, everyone is a dumbass.) Furthermore, since Superman goes into public unmasked, most people assume that he has no other identity, or they’re all retarded and have never thought to draw glasses on his picture “just in case”
Batman: has a full DARK Grey and blue suit complete with cape and cowl to hide his face. (which only adds to the mystique, the bad guys are wondering: is he horribly disfigured? Is he someone I killed in the past? He becomes almost ruthless in his cause and changes his voice to a darker more sinister sound. He doesn’t wear it under his clothes because he chooses the moments where he becomes Batman, he doesn’t let the situations dictate who he is. Because of his playboy millionaire persona as Bruce Wayne, no one assumes he cares to be anyone but Bruce Wayne.
Identity crisis: I hate the idea that Hollywood tried with Batman returns that he has a problem with duality, Only in the movies has he ever had this problem (and a brief stint where I’m convinced they let a bunch of 2 year old superman lovers write the comic for a year or 2). As you can see with Batman Begins, he even seems to reject being Bruce Wayne in favor of Batman, but in the end uses Bruce Wayne as a means to become more effective as Batman.
Stay tuned true believers as I wrap this bitch up in Clown Shoes part IV

June 9, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Tiger Woods, ambassador of sports (except for hockey)

“I don’t think anyone really watches hockey anymore.” – Tiger Woods

Allow us, for a moment, to point out the subtle difference between hockey legend Wayne Gretzky and golf superstar Tiger Woods, pictured here with an even bigger icon, Diamond David Lee Roth. Gretzky was asked in a press conference back in March about Woods, and said that he never thought he’d see an athlete dominate like Michael Jordan did — until Tiger hit his stride.

“He’s the greatest athlete I’ve ever seen,” he said. And when pressed by a cynical reporter that golfers may not exactly fit the mold of an athlete like, say, even the most physically maligned hockey player does, Gretzky rushed to the defense of an entire sport whose participants range from senior citizens on a Saturday morning in South Florida to children trying to get a ball into a clown’s mouth. “You ever tried to golf? You better be a good athlete if you try to golf.”

How does Tiger choose to repay that respect, during the NHL’s moment in the spotlight?

“I don’t think anyone really watches hockey anymore.”

The full quote came from a news conference at Oakland Hills Country Club in Michigan yesterday, where Tiger appeared via satellite. He was asked his thoughts about Game 5 of the Stanley Cup finals. He chuckled, and then answered:

 

“I don’t really care,” he said with an impish smile. “It’s all about the Dodgers. I don’t think anyone really watches hockey anymore.”

 

What’s rather amusing is that this wasn’t a hard-hitting question from a Detroit sports reporter; it was a softball lobbed by Julius Mason, the PGA of America’s senior director of communications. When it appeared Tiger would be less than gracious to the sport currently capturing the imagination of a place called Hockeytown, Mason tried to end the answer by saying Woods was “politically correct as always and that’s what we …” before Tiger added his candid assessment of hockey’s popularity.

Not even PR flackery could curb Tiger’s hunger to diss the game.

The NHL addressed his comments in a general way. Our first inclination was to label this as some clever NIKE brainwashing: Convincing one of its biggest brand names to ignore how awesome hockey really is in order to go after the NHL and Reebok. But wouldn’t the EA Sports brainwashing counteract that?

Perhaps Tiger is still bitter about the demise of the All-Star Café with Gretzky.

The bottom line is that Tiger Woods downgraded a sport that’s been good to him, from charity appearances at golf tournaments to fans asking about when “hockey’s Tiger Woods” will arrive. As they say among champions: Act like you’ve been there, Tiger. You’re already the guy who gets bigger headlines for not playing in a tournament than the NHL gets for playing an all-star game. No need to rub it in.

As for you, Gretzky: Time to get Tiger in the arena for a playoff game, so the puckhead conversion can begin and we can put this all behind us.

June 4, 2008 Posted by | Don't taze me bro, News, Weak Sauce About Nothing | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment