Am I Alone?

I watched an awesome series last night called “One Punk Under God.” And here is this really moving portrayal of how to really live your life for God and with a ton of grace towards everyone. Something that I often have a really hard time doing I might add. And all of that was amazing, but what I really was looking at watching this thing was how he was surrounded by people in everything that he was doing. When he had a tough decision to make he had friends to turn to, and a family that he communicated with and loved no matter how strained things were.

I have friends, and that is a huge blessing. And though my wife and I are separated, in a lot of ways I feel like I can go to her, and talk to her about a lot of things. But somehow I still feel totally alone. I have spent the last few months trying to figure out what it means to just rely on God, and what it looks like to just have the unbridled desire to serve Him in everything that I do. And that is hard, it involves getting rid of a lot of the clutter in my life (especially a lot of the stuff that I was doing just to fill time to make me “not bored”), it also involves being supportive of a separation from my wife. There are things that we both need to work on, but now is the time for her to be on her own to deal with her issues, and that leaves me feeling hollow.

I have been in a string of serious relationships all the way back to my sophomore year in high school. That means that there hasn’t been a time in my life where I have been alone for more than a couple of weeks for about 12 years. So getting into bed alone, knowing that I will be alone in that bed for a while, and that the person that I want to be in that bed with isn’t really interested in ever being in a bed with me again is a really daunting prospect. And it leaves me with that gut level emptiness. An emptiness that in the past I would have rushed out to find a new relationship for.

But today I’m realizing that the real filling thing would be God. Something that I used to do. There was a point in my life where I was looking to God for everything, and at some point I stopped doing that so that I could revel in my sexuality. There are these verses in Jeremiah that really resound with me right now (ironicaly enough they are the verses that my pastor is basing a sermon series on right now). The ones linked out above are how I feel about my life as a teen, as this kid that wanted nothing more that to see God glorified, but then I got caught up in all this other shit, and I get to here.

I was so quick to say, I don’t need community with God, “I don’t need community with God’s people. I don’t have a problem, I have my problem under control.” Next thing I know I’m saying, “I can’t quit.” And my life is falling apart, and the one person that I feel like was keeping me in check is telling me that she doesn’t want to be there for me anymore. And I’m realizing that this is God telling me, “Rely on me, not on yourself, and not on others.”

So I’m sitting by myself thinking, “What does being alone look like? Can I take that if I have to live the rest of my life this way? Am I really alone?”

So the bible tells me that I’m not.  But I feel like I am.  I feel just totally alone.  Because everytime one of my relationships has dissolved, I have run right into another one, with another person.  Maybe the answer is this time I should run to God.  Maybe that is the relationship I should be jumping into.

I just have to keep working on all of this.

New Blogroll Entry

I love propaganda posters and this site has an awesome group of them blog style.  Thought we would blogroll them.